Friday, September 04, 2015

Ringing the Bell Was the Easy Part

Little did I know that  a little over a year ago would be my last 'normal' Valentine's day! I was having a CT Scan done that would open up the possibility to me having cancer. Ugh! One month later it was official. No one realizes how much it will effect the rest of your life.

On that day one year and seven months ago, I was nervous and I was pissed. Nervous that I was having to have this done on Valentine's day. I had never had anything like this done before and knowing that I wouldn't get the results back for over a week.

Once we went back to find out, it was all down hill from there. On April 8, 2014 I had my first treatment of AVBD.  

First treatment selfie.
Last treatment selfie.
This was me on the last day of my last chemotherapy treatment. September 9, 2014. #12 of 12! Six months later!

In that first picture so many things were going on. I was terrified. I didn't know what to expect. I had no clue what life as a cancer patient would be like. It was hell, I won't lie about that one bit. I was in a lot of pain from the cancer. My doctors and nurses were absolutely AMAZING! I could not have asked for any better people to be taking care of me, along with my husband, mother, grandmother and lots of friends. From accepting that it is ok to be taken care of and not be able to do things that I wanted to do sucked. It sucked some of the life right out of me. I like to do stuff for myself and not be dependent on others. Well God had other plans. It’s okay to ask for help sometimes and accept help when offered. I had some pride that needed to be swallowed. It was a BIG GULP for me, but I did it.

I was sick more than I was my normal self for the whole entire time during treatments. When I did have a good day I tried to take full advantage of it. I would get the hubs to take me out just to get out of the house because that is where I stayed most of the time, in the bed or on the couch. Nausea was my new normal. I hated EVERY.SINGLE.MOMENT. of the nausea. That was the worst part for me. No amount of drugs or medicine other than being completely out of it made it go away. If I was out of it once I came to the nausea would kick me right in the face saying “I’m here bitch”! It was no joke. 

That 6+ months was one of the hardest times that I have ever had to endure. I put on my big girl panties and dealt with it. With God on my side I pushed through. I can remember lying the bed crying my eyes out into my pillow hoping that the hubs wouldn't noticed. I would pray that I am thankful I am going through this and not my husband or my child. I would pray that it would soon go away. More thankful than not I was happy to just be breathing. 

Don't get me wrong, I still had my own personal pity parties. A LOT! No one really saw that side. I hid it pretty well or I seem to think I did. Less than 5 people may have got to see that side. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me. Yeah it sucks to have to go through something so awful but I want you to empower me not help me pity myself. 

To keep from sitting around thinking about all the crappy, sad, and emotional stuff that went along with having cancer: I worked as much as I could handle it. It kept me feeling somewhat normal. To still have a little bit of schedule and normalcy. I jumped at any chance to have some part of what I thought was normal.
Is there a such a thing called normal?

1 comment:

  1. I am so glad you are blogging again! You were definitely a big inspiration to me the last couple of years. I definitely saw your toughness and not wanting to be pitied although I knew you were going through a very long and painful process towards healing. I know it was hard for you to have to depend on others at all, but I know your family was happy to be there for you for a change. I feel you on the glad it was you and not your husband and child in pain. Those are my feelings when facing the dreadful thought of sickness and disease striking. You definitely kicked cancer's butt, and I am so honored to have followed your journey to victory! <3


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