Normal? What's that?

NORMAL.

Is that a real thing? Can anything really truly be considered normal?
After chemo this had become a thing I constantly ponder.

I finished chemotherapy in 2014 but I still have what I call 'side effects' from it. Anxiety and depression are the two biggest ones. We won't mention my damn "chemo toes".  

I've experienced these mental illnesses for a long time but they have surfaced and gotten worse over the years. I'm constantly worrying if I'm good enough, did I say thank you, did I show gratitude and appreciation, did I do enough, and so on. I am always asking myself  "What will happen if I didn't?"

NOTHING.

That's what will happen. Nothing at all. I'm the only one in this fight against myself. I create in my head all this worry and fear. I'm a believer and I know that if I "let go and let God" I can breathe a little easier. Sometimes, though, that is easier said than done. So what I have started doing to cope with this is start a journal.

I've recently had some big panic attacks that scared the crap out of me. So much that I sought out a counselor to help me out. It's been such a great thing too! I don't regret it one bit! She's encouraged me to break out my bible and study it. She's opened my eyes to realize all this darkness can be taken away from me. God's light will shine through if I let it.

"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, a light unto my path." Psalm 119:105

So with lots of prayer, soul searching, going to church again regularly, opening my heart fully for God to take control, I've managed to get a grip on things. Well, more than a grip, I've realized without God I am nothing. He above all else will never fail me and will always have forgiveness for me. Because he loves me. He loves YOU!

"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philipians 4:6-7

I am documenting this so that every time I feel anxious, depressed, or having any other negative thoughts that I can come back and read this and know that GOD's got me in the palm of his hands.